The Consultation The

Today was the day I've been waiting for, the day when decisions finally would be made after weeks of testing. Chris metGary and me t Neuro Spina to dicuss what we knew with Dr. Washer.


The tumor was growing, not shrinking.  We decided to follow his advice, surgery, which will happen next weekweek, perhaps as early as Wednesday.  Dr. Washer showed us the results he has had.  These days, a doctor doctor must have figures to show what we can expect.  
The fact is, I will be living with that darn tumor from now on, but I can add months to my life.  We looked at the stark figures and at the images of the tumor and its surroundings.   I will have the operation, but it is obviousthat for the rest of my life I will have trouble on my left side and it won't be a long life.  But then my family has never been long lived, not like Gary's who seem to go on and on and on.

I've always lived a if each day were my last and that has added to th quality of my life.  So nothing new here.

I


So by next week Wednesday, I go in for the cut.
Chris and I had some time o chat. I told him that I was slowly clearing up things.  Perry, our lawyer, had suggested I make out funeral instructions and write an obituary.  I've done both before but they need updating. I told Chris I don't want a memorial service or funeral, but suggested we do a digital memorial/obituary.  I hav 41 scrapbooks full of photos.  We could put my life on a DVD with photos, dates, and perhaps some of my favorite music.   Anyone that wanted one could either download it from his server or we we could send them out.  Perhaps Tisha could help me with this, she is tech and camera savvy.  We'll see how that goes.  If nothing else, they can finally throw out those dusty old scrapbooks some day.

I came home and went down for a long, long nap.  When I woke up there were two words rolling around in my head: "Joy" and "Possibilities".   I decided to live each day left to me with joy which would happen anyhow because soon the spring migrations will begin, one of the happiest times of the year.   Any time I am in nature, there is joy.  My family and friends are there, too.  Today, Pat Stone had soup delivered from Sissy's and bless and Sandy decided to add scones, cookies and other treats. Gary brought me a Blizzard from Dairy Queen I told him if this keeps up, we can call off any pall bearers if the time comes.

And Susan delivered two rocheted hats to cover my shaven head after the operation.

So now I go to take a nap with visions of posibilities swirling around in my head.  There still  will be a canoe trip down the Wolf River.  Gary does all the paddling anyhow, so I will have nothing to do but sit there and watch the water go by.  Come on spring!   There are still trips to plan, short ones, but to some lovely places.


Possibility after possibility.

During the AIDS crisis gays said, "These are not days of dying, these are the last days of living.   I thought that brilliant.  

So I go on living with all I've got.  I have a long way to go.

Moving On

The brain tumor does slow me down. Some days I do little but sleep.

But today I accomplished so much I want to celebrate.

Th first thing is to is to list it all.

I got all my 2013 reeipts together and got them mailed to my accountant in Florida.  I've known Tom since he lived in Green Bay and kept with him even after the move. He understands my odd life as a storyteller, journalist and author.  Accountants and tax preparers in Seymour do not have a clue, merely asking for forms that self-employed people don't have. So once a year, I must explain a year to Tom, who says he tells his wife all about me, how I live on next to nothing yet manage to travel the world.

I stopped at the bank for a 2013 statement of what went on.  Then it was to the Lutheran church because I needed to get an evaluation on my burial plot in the Lutheran cemetery.   Then another sotp home for my 2012 tax form.  All of this was necesssary to apply for  Medicare to help pay for my sugary costs.  We took every thing to my attorney who went through the required documents and made sure everything was in order.  Then the whole thing was mailed to the county offices.   If all goes well, I should make i through financially.

This is important because tomorrow, Chris, Gary and and I consult with the doctors, look at test results, and figure out the next step.  We hope by the end of the week, that nasty little tumor is gone.

There was another saving.  I was going to get a haircut this week but there is no point since my head will probably be shaved.   Friend Susan is crocheting a hat for me until the hair grows out again.

Gary took me off on what he calls an "airing".  I love these outings.  This one took us to Bonduel.  About the only birds out these days are turkeys, who huddle together for warmth and crows whose black feathers collect the heat of the sun.

But what we were there for was to look at modular homes, built by Amish in Indiana.  Once the house was here, the Bonduel Amish work on the cabinetry.  The work is good.  We are interested because Gary has his eye on a piece of property near Ashland and would like to put a house on it.  So we explored homes and dreamed of summers at a lake.

I came home to a long nap and during it, came up with an idea for a new short story.

And then I looked at everything I had blogged or journaled about the tumor for the past two months and realized I had almost enough words for a book.  I'll be editing that for the next month, surgery permitting.

So I move ahead, day by day.





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Ground Hog Day

Finally, the dreadful Jnuary is over and now it is Groundhog Day, as if that big rodent ever knew anything about spring. 

I was feeling out of sorts, so Gary took me off to look for snowy owls over by Freedom, Wisconsin.  We ouln't see many but I know hey are here from p;revious drive bys.
Meanwhi

Meanwhile, anoher sign of spring.   In he front window, my f\forced dafodil bulbs are  ulbs ae comin o life.One  leaf isi urning yellow  which means in about two we I'll have one daffodil for  my ptetiest budg vase.

We hsome cix uxxxion  about planting my tomato seeds but I slept the day away instead.   Maybe tomorrow.tomorrow.








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February!!!!

One of the worst Wisconsin Januaries ever  is over.  February and March will have bad weather, but the temperatures are climbing.  My spirits are climbing, too.   I am getting my gardening gear together to start planting seeds.  Tomorrow, cherry tomatoes. It's not too early.   Last year I was able to have pots outside on my deck by the end of March.  

I am starting to make plans to meet friends outside this house to combat cabin fever.   There is a certain danger though since the flu is out there running rampant and I don't want to endanger the process of getting this brain tumor dealt with.


Still, I am feeling better.  Today I began work on a new short story.  I am also doing some editing work on existing books.  It is slow going, but I have to keep moving forward.

My attorney suggested I should have my obituary written before the surgery.

Any suggestions welcome!

What One Can Do

""Even if the doctor does not give you a year, even if he hesitates about a month, make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week."  --  Robert Louis Stevenson


I've loved that quote for most of my life, written by a man who alwayswas in anger of dying, yet pushed on to write Kidnapped and Treasure Island, plus A Child's Garden of Verses.

I am not near death, but this tumor keeps me from writing as I wish, so I am pushing myself to accomplish at least one thing a  week.


This week, I managed to get all the figures together for my tax returns.   It was important because I almost certainly will get a sizable tax refund which we will need to get that surgery done in March.

I made a list of all the paperwork I needed and began a week long search.  I needed figures on storytelling, writing, plus all the deductions I could find. This morning, I had everything and now the package of figures is ready to be mailed to my accountant in the morning.


It isn't writing .... yet.... but I am proving to myself that I can do things in increments.  Starting next week, I start my next book on coping with a brain tumor.  One idea at a time, one sentence at a time.  That book will be written.

Getting On

Gary just brought me my cup of hot chocolate so soon I must be off to bed.

Readers tell me that they can't go to bed until I've posted so I'd best get at it.

Temperatures are finally rising in Wisconsin, but that means other forms of bad weather.  Today, a snowstorm and slippery streets.  So we stayed home.

The tumor is still with me.  A slight indigestion problem is over.  But now we suffer from cabin fever along with every one  else around here.

I've never had trouble sleeping, but now it is a joy, a way to escape this endless winter.

I look outside, see the snow and throw myself on my bed.  Five minutes later I am asleep for at least an hour, a good solid sleep with no pain.

Once we go  to get the evaluation of the tests next week, we will make new plans. There will be surgery, but then we get in the car and start heading south for at least a couple of weeks to get a start on summer.

And when summer comes, my life starts new.

Meanwhile, sleep is my solace and my joy.

So, so bored at the Moment

I am a reader so I am seldom bored.

However, this tumor is making it difficult for me to crack a book.  Tomorrow, I will go to the library for some books on CDs and go rom there.  

There is nothing on television worth watching.   Cooking is not interesting me.

Gary is doing the best by getting me out of this house.  Today that was just a trip to get medical supplies and another for groceries.   I've always enjoyed gocery shopping, which is a numbers game, trying o get good buys with limited funds. So it went today.  I saved 32 % today and came away with bags and bags of foodstuffs.  

But then i went directly to bed and slept for more hours.  Sleeping is what I do best these days.

Tomorrow, I once again must dig into the bureaucracy and find out why Medicaid still wants to give me child care!  I suppose the fight will hold my interest.  The other task will be to finish locating all the information to take finish my taxes.

But I admit that right now I am looking forward with the most enthusiasm to having doctors drill into my head to dig that darn tumor out of there.

Friends have invited us to travel south for a few days for some beach time.  That may happen in another week or two.  Sounds good to me.

Cabelas

Usually, Gary spends his winters planning for our camping season.  We expect UPS and Fed Ex to mak deliveries daily of the latest gadgets.  But not this winter.   We have been preoccupied with my health and the Arctic Vortex kept us inside.

Today there was cold, yes, but sun and no blowing or drifting snow to stop us.  We took a drive to the new Cabelas store in DePere.  

I can't get very impressed with big name outfitter places but I could walk around and around and get some much needed exercise.

I stopped to talk to a fellow who was showing Cabelas camping loungers.  I told him I liked the one we had, but we never got it in a store.   Gary rescued it from a national forest dumpster.  People buy these expensive chairs and sit on them for hours next to their campfires eating and drinking beer.  The pounds accumulate and the chairs collapse and wind up in the dumpsters.  Usually it takes only minor repairs to get them working again. Gary stopped at a hardware store, found the proper screws for pennies and we had a Cabelas lounger.

Cabelas sells guns with the support of the National Rifle Association. Again, I talked to one of the workers.  You could buy one,she told me.  "I don't know about that," I said. "I write bloody mysteries and I currently have a brain tumor that is making me cranky."

"As long as you don't have a criminal record," you can buy one," she told me.

"So if I am a good murderer who has never been caught," I said, "I'm good to go."

Of course I never did buy a gun but I got the clerk interested in my mystery and by now she is reading it.

But I shake my head at how easy it is to buy guns in the United States.

So  I got out of the house and got some exercise. Gary found a pair of binoculars and  got to talking to a lot of people about camping.

I guess that makes for a good day. 

The Difference of a Day

Throughout this brain tumor saga,I've worried about how we were going to pay for the treatment. I certainly didn't want to wreck the financial future of my family.

Earlier in the week, I was trying to talk to someone about Medicaid but was told someone would call me to talk about aid for children living with me and food stamps.   Since Chris is 39 and not living at home, that was foolish.  Anyone reading this blog realizes food stamps would be a waste of time.  My monthly food budget is $75 a month.  I am very, very good at finding food bargains and turning them into nutritious meals. No, what I really needed was help with getting through this surgery.

What we forget is that in the middle of government bureaucracy there are good people who really want to help.  This afternoon I connected with Sheena in Madison.  She followed my problems with a deep and sincere sympathy and told me what I could do and told me the documentation I would need.  When I explained my constant state of befuddlement (I DO have a tumor after all!), Sheena arranged for me to be sent all the requirements by mail.  The packet will be here in three or four days.  Gary and I can go through it all then.

Then Gary talked to one of my doctors who has created a brain tumor support group.  He said that through the group, they would help me through it all.   So because there are good people in the world, including a sweet woman who proved that people working for the state  want to do their best for the people they work for.

So I went into the afternoon greatly relieved.

I took time to check the on line weather and realized that come the first of February, the temperatures here will begin to rise.   By the 4th, when we have to see our doctors to find out what all the testing revealed, the daytime temperatures will be in the double digits and the wind dying down. Not spring by a long shot, but it appears the Arctic Vortex will soon begin to lift. Along with it, it will take my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I hope.

Next, Gary did an Internet search and found a piece of property near Ashland that looks interesting. It's at the edge of a park with several lakes.  With a small pre-fabricated home, we would have a summer vacation spot. The electricity and septic system are already in place.  There's a nearby beach and miles of forest.  We could live there from May through October then com back to this area for the holidays.  Sounds perfect.   We will be going up there toward the end of February or the beginning of March to check it out.

Today, we paid the real estate taxes on this property.  For all our governor's talk about saving taxpayers money, I found he had saved me all of 9 cents for the year.  I would rather forgo those savings and  have him use pennies like that in saving lives ofWisconsinites that need help.

At the end of the day, I am in a much better mood.  Spring is coming, the forests are waiting for me to get over this tumor nonsense.

The Social Media and snow

It has been a terrible winter here in northeastern Wisconsin.  Almost every morning, we wake up to minus digits.  The world is covered in white. It goes on and on.  I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder horribly and many of my friends are close to the same madness.  And yet  it could be a lot worse.

A few years ago, I was doing a summer tour to the West Coast.  I stopped at a little diner in a town in North Dakota and talked to the owner.   The winter before, North Dakota had been hit with seven big blizzards in a row.   The owner told me that the town finally had Internet access.  During that terrible winter, she got on Facebook and was able to connect with far away friends.  "It saved my sanity," she said.

So in this winter, we stay glued to our keyboards and the social network.  I write daily on Facebook and Twitter and this blog, and think of the generations before who lived through Wisconsin winters like these.

First I think of Wisconsin Death Trip a collection of photos and newspaper clippings from the 1180's to 1910 from the Black River Falls area.  There was the horror of a Wisconsin winter.  These were the days before radio, telephones or TV.   Farm women were stuck in farmhouses for months with little or no outside communication.  On rare occasions, the farmer might hook up the cutter and go into town to the post office for mail and a newspaper.

Women went insane and killed themselves.

In time, rural mail service was instituted.

Next, telephone wires made it to rural area.  My father, a boy before the Great Depression, once told me that the party line saved my grandmother's sanity.  The phone rang and along the line, ten phones were picked up.  She could listen in and get all the news.   It was the first social media. She finished raising her children on the same farm I grew up on.  Then she moved into Seymour and created a social world with friends calling even in the middle of winter.

So, yes, there are farm women all around Seymour and they are all on Facebook.  They are calling their children or Skyping  with them.

So, yes the days are bleak here, but we are connecting with the outside world.  I don't see any of them going to the looney bin this year.

So no matter what people think of Facebook and the rest, they must admit there is a place for them.